Children need love. Parents need respect.
It is as simple and complex as that!
When frustrated with an unresponsive child, a parent doesn’t declare, “You don’t love me.” Instead the parent asserts, “You are being disrespectful right now.” A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts. When upset a child does not whine, “You don’t respect me.” Instead, a child pouts, “You don’t love me.” A child needs to feel loved, especially during disputes.
But here’s the rub: An unloved child (or teen) negatively reacts in a way that feels disrespectful to a parent. A disrespected parent negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving to the child. This dynamic gives birth to the FAMILY CRAZY CYCLE.
So how is one to break out of this cycle? Best-selling author Emerson Eggerichs has studied the family dynamic for more than 30 years, having his Ph.D. in Child and Family Ecology. As a senior pastor for nearly two decades, Eggerichs builds on a foundation of strong biblical principles, walking the reader through an entirely new way to approach the family dynamic. For instance, God reveals ways to defuse the craziness with our children from preschooler to teen, plus how to motivate them to obey and how to deal with them when they don’t. In the Bible, God has spoken specifically to parents on how to parent. This book is about that revelation.
|About the Contributor(s)||Emerson Eggerichs
Emerson Eggerichs, PhD, is an internationally known communication expert and author of the New York Times bestseller Love & Respect. Just as Dr. Eggerichs transformed millions of marital relationships with a biblical understanding of love and respect, he also turned these principles to one of the most important relationships of all in Mother & Son: The Respect Effect. As a communication expert, Emerson has also spoken to groups such as the NFL, NBA, PGA, US Navy SEALs and members of Congress. He was the senior pastor of Trinity Church in East Lansing, Michigan for almost twenty years. Emerson holds a PhD in child and family ecology from Michigan State University, a BA in Biblical Studies from Wheaton College, an MA in communications from Wheaton College Graduate School, and an MDiv from the University of Dubuque Theological Seminary. He and his wife Sarah have been married since 1973 and have three adult children.
|Release Date||Nov 5, 2013|
- Review by Marie Angeli
"Because you're fighting. And you didn't even get to tell me 'good morning.'"
My mother held me away from her. I can still remember the disgust in her eyes and the contempt in her tone when she said, "You're so selfish. You're such a bad girl. All you could think of is yourself. How very selfish."
I was 6 years old with no understanding of what I did wrong. To be honest, I still believe I didn't do anything wrong. I love my mother dearly and I'm sure she does, too, but at that moment, I've never felt more unloved.
I still think that's the reason why I have trouble expressing love and affection to my family.
I needed to understand why that little moment made such a big impact on me. It eclipses the other low moments of my life, such as the times I failed to meet my parents' expectations. They're painful, yes, but somehow, I was able to manage the temporary loss of respect on me (for a while). I mean, I was able to bounce back. However, not the same could be said for the moments I felt unloved, and I wanted to know why.
Thankfully, God answered my prayer in the form of a book.
I am very blessed to have received a copy of the book, Love and Respect in the Family, written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who is an internationally known expert on relationships. I say "blessed" because it opened my mind to the real reason behind the rifts within our families.
To say that this book changed my life is an understatement.
The premise of this book is this: parents and men demand respect while children and women desire to be loved. While both are not mutually exclusive, most conflicts happen when these demands are not met.
When I study the conflicts I've been in, this idea makes so much sense. It's like a light bulb suddenly turned on. Now I understand! Parents get frustrated when they feel they are not respected, while children resent their parents because they feel unloved.
On the other hand, husbands commit sin when they feel their wives don't respect them, while wives get discontented when they don't feel they are being loved. It's a vicious cycle actually. The author even calls it the crazy cycle.
Come to think of it, everything's already written in the Bible, which makes this book not only credible but also practicable:
For children to respect their parents: Exodus 20:12
For parents to love their children: Psalms 127:3-5
For wives to respect their husbands: Ephesians 5:22-24
For husbands to love their wives: Ephesians 5:25
The author also offers a very practical guide readers can follow in order to achieve "harmony." The acronym used is GUIDES, and here are the letters' meanings:
G - Give (Not too little and not too much)
U - Understand (Putting yourself in their shoes)
I - Instruct (Not too much but just enough)
D - Discipline (Confront, Correct, Comfort)
E - Encourage (Equipping them to succeed)
S - Supplicate (Praying with confidence!)
What I really like about this book is how it values the imperfection of human relationships. In other books, we are given "tips" on how to handle a clingy child or a secretive husband. If you're looking for tips on how to change another person, well, this might not be for you. However, if you're praying to change yourself, I say that this is a great book to start with.
You see, we always pray to see change in other people. We always pray for them to be more honest, more understanding, more patient. What about ourselves? Change begins in ourselves, and we cannot really do that unless we completely depend on the Lord. This is one of the main points of the book. Human relationships, even in the most ideal families, will never be perfect. However, we can depend on a perfect God whose love is unwavering and unchanging.
Isn't that amazing?
This is life-changing for me because I learned how to treat other people. I can prevent conflict by trying to weigh whether I sound disrespectful or not. I try to avoid being unloving. Finally, I am able to assess my feelings and know when to validate my anger and when to dismiss it.
Of course, I cannot tell you everything I read. The experience is unique because you can read about the cases the writer has handled. You don't need to be a parent to read this and benefit from it. Reading this book does not only teach me how to handle Yuri but also Job, my parents, my siblings, and yes, even the household help. If you are a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, a sister, or a brother, you will benefit from reading this book.
This just goes to show that every kind of relationship within the family takes work, and you just cannot expect to see results without intentionally treating them with love and respect.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com® book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” (Posted on 2/19/2014)
- Review by Karen
There were a lot of things to like about this book. First and foremost, I think my favorite thing about this book is that it’s not a “fix your child quick” book. Dr. Eggerich very clearly states that reading this book is not going to ensure that you have well-behaved, perfect children when you finish reading it. In fact, this isn’t really about the kids at all. Dr. Eggerich states that “parenting is for parents only.” In other words, parenting isn’t about making your children perfect, it’s about parenting in a way that leads your child to follow in the ways of Christ. Dr. Eggerich gives good practical advice that is easy to follow. In fact, he uses an acronym, “GUIDES,” as a way to remind parents how best to lead their children. His illustrations were excellent and really underscored the points he was making in the book. I also liked how open and honest he was about his and his wife’s own failures in raising their children. As he waited to write this book until his children were grown, he was able to take an objective look back at his own parenting to see where he might have missed the mark. In fact, he even asked his own children to weigh in on the topic. I liked his honesty in sharing. The only thing that I found lacking is that his only emphasis was on the two-parent family. This makes sense, as he only has experience in that arena. However, it would have have been nice to have that topic touched on as there are so many single-parent families these days, including mine. At the same time, though, I do believe that his principles can be applied as much to a single-parent family as to the traditional, two-parent family.
I highly recommend this book to other parents. I think they will find this book to be a good resource and help in raising their children. I have found, personally, that my own parenting style has started to improve as I have put his advice into practice with my children. I believe this is the best book on parenting that I have personally read, and I have read quite a few. At the very least this will give parents a good basis for leading their children from a Biblical perspective.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com® <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” (Posted on 2/2/2014)